News Flash:

Reports have been coming in from many parts of the country about a pair of rogue nigger lips on the prowl. From what eye-witnesses have said about the incident, on Monday a ghetto nigger was run over trying to carjack a large Welfare check distribution truck. He was squished to a thick black and red paste, but somehow his lips were squeezed off and escaped. Since then they've been spotted in grocery stores, sucking down whole racks of watermelon and singing, "Ah heards it throo de grape vines! YAZZUH!"

Colonel Sander's Chicken on Main Street reported a hostile pair of lips attacked the cooks and ate all the fried chicken in sight. They reported the lips had grown to the size of a large man now, and were moving by bouncing down the street to the rhythm of a stolen ghetto blaster that was pumping out Tu Pac's rap music.

"I don't know what to make of it!" said Neil Davies, the local postman, I've never seen anything like it. Talk about one butt-ugly pair of lips!"

On Tuesday they were seen strutting down Brown Avenue, screaming something about "Cibo Raahts", and following blondes around. The police were called in again when the thing sucked up a white woman like she was a breathe mint. Multiple shots were fired by police but they were unable to subdue the now murderous lips. One officer was horribly killed when the lips attacked and "lipped" him to death, smothering him in nigger slobbers, then bouncing on him until he looked like an Aunt Jemima's flapjack, at which point the lips sucked him up too.

The governor called out the National Guard on Wednesday to destroy the lips at all costs. Unfortunately blacks from around the state rushed to town and demonstrated, waving signs and yelling to all hours of the night about "dey brutha lip's cibo raahts". Looting and rioting followed, and the lips were seen leading the pack. SWAT teams from around the state were called in to contain the hostile blacks, and hundreds of arrests were made, filling all local jails far past capacity.

Finally enough order was restored to resume the assault on the rogue lips. Armored half-tracs were brought in, armed with 50 cal. machine guns. But after continuous firing at the now monster size lips, no injuries could be seen. The lips continued on their rampage, sucking up white women, cleaning out chicken joints and looting jewelry stores for bling-bling. They were finally able to weaken it by firing thousands of job applications at it. Whenever one touched it, it would scream in terror and shrink away. They plastered it with applications, forming a containment circle around it. Then General J.D. Randall of West Virginia gave it the coup d' grace when he had continuous country music blasted at it from all sides. The lips writhed in agony, screaming obscenities and jibbering wildly. With a final "Muthufuck!" the lips spasmed and died, much to the relief of the communities at large.

A new bill has sailed through the state legislature and is expected to be signed into law tomorrow, making it illegal to run over a nigger without making sure his lips are completely dead. Motorists will be required by law to stop the car, get out, and examine the dead nigger, running it over as many times as necessary to ensure lip death. Failure to do so will carry a hefty fine of $100,000 and ten years in prison. - AP