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Breaking News:
Crime Rate Drops In Haiti

Liberals in the United States and the White House are at a loss to explain the mysterious drop in the crime rate in earthquake ravaged Haiti. Rapes, robberies, murders, and shoplifting are all down a staggering 87% over the past week. CNN News speculates that the drop is caused by the sudden exodus of visiting white conservatives in the country, while liberals in Washington blame it on a lack of black victims caused by the massive death toll the quake brought to the island nation. Surviving blacks are labeling the quake "racist" for hitting only Haiti instead of the east coast of the US or some other Anglo nation. President Obama has set up an emergency task force to investigate the allegations, and has appointed Morris Dees as executive director of the project. If any proof of racism is found, Dees is authorized to charge Mother Nature under the new hate crimes statutes and confiscate all her assets, including summer and winter.

In a show of support, president Obama has authorized ACORN to administer the distribution of over twenty billion dollars in victim's aid to the stricken nation, and Kentucky Fried Chicken has been authorized to distribute over 100 million boxes of hot wings. Chap Stick has also contributed over fifty tons of Chap Stick, and tens of thousands of blacks have been camped at the docks for days, awaiting "dey free shit", as the Haitian ambassador to the UN put it so eloquently to our reporter, Noxema Washington. The expected problem of raw sewage flooding the streets, which happens in almost all quake disasters will not be an issue in Haiti, thanks to the quick thinking of the residents, who filled all available bottles with the stuff to use as "jenkem" to relieve the pain of injured blacks. Local witch doctors have been crucial in the search and rescue operations by providing plenty of zombies as cheap labor for clearing debris. Between the jenkem, the dead, the zombies, and the millions of unwashed blacks, Haiti has become a rather fragrant place during this challenging time. The Haitian ambassador labeled the smell "racist" as well.

While most of Haiti's businesses and shops are completely destroyed, commerce is still running at a brisk pace because the nation's economy is based on welfare, piracy, drugs, and the illegal sale of human body parts, which in this trying time is having a sudden boom. Also, BBQ stands are popping up all over the island, though where they're getting their meat is a closely guarded secret. At the same time there has been a large number of missing victims that as yet haven't been located in either the wreckage, or at any other site. Local police are baffled, though "white extremists" are suspected. The Haitian ambassador called the vanishings "racist".

Every hospital in Haiti has been utterly destroyed in the quake, due to extremely substandard construction, but the American Red Cross has flown in three portable maternity wards to help Haitian women deliver the constant flow of new Haitians to the island. President Obama, by executive order, has waived all citizenship requirements and thrown open our borders to any and all Haitian refugees willing to come. Experts predict that within six months C&H Sugar Cane Company will buy the uninhabited island and convert its entire surface to sugar and pineapple production...

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