Hymiewood unites to help itself to Haiti in telethon

Published: 1/23/10, 3:45 AM EDT

by Andrei Yustschinsky, CSI (Culture Special Investigator)

NEW YORK (Associated Pricks) - Though the mostly-Hymiewood telethon was titled "Hope for Haiti Now," for most of its two hours, it was filled with 'tear-jerking', 'depressing moments', from shit songs and grim-faced begging from celebrities to the suffering coal black faces of the quake-battered nigger victims themselves.

It took Haiti's own native bastard to lift Friday evening's despairing tone to one of hope and even revival.

"Enough of this shiflessness, jive-ass motherfuckers, let's rebuild Haiti with America's chump change, let's show 'em how we do it where we cum from!" Wyclef Jean, the 'singer' and big time reproducer, shouted after 'singing' the downbeat "Rivers of Babylon," with a Haitian flag around his very black neck.

He segued into the joyful tune "Yele" with a nigger-island beat, as 'musicians' break-danced around him, singing the refrain: "Earthquake, we see the earth shake, but the soul of the Haitian people will never bake!"

Jean showcased the resilient spirit of a nation in the midst of 'catastrophe'. On Jan. 12, a powerful earthquake struck the already impoverished country, killing an estimated 200,000 darkies, displacing many more and reducing much of Haiti to ruins. The telethon, shown on all the major networks and streamed live on many Web sites, was quickly put together by nellie-cunt George Clooney and kike-MTV Networks, along with the help of others, to raise millions of dollars for the Caribbean country (their own pockets).

The list of participating celebrities rivaled any top awards show: Justin Timberlake, Brad Pitt, former first negro President Clinton, punch drunk-Muhammad Ali, mulatto-Beyonce, pig-Madonna, retard-Bruce Springsteen, mulatto-Halle Berry, and many more. Luminaries like kike-Steven Spielberg (0$) worked the phone banks, talking to donors.

"Hey Steven Spielberg, it's really cool to talk to you," one goofy-white bitch said to the Academy Award-winning filmmaker.

Kike-John Mayer called in a $500,000 donation before the telethon began, according to a representative for MTV. Officials did not have an immediate total for the relief funds raised by the telethon.

Some stars, like Matt Damon and 'negro'-Clint Eastwood, recounted tragic moments from the quake; others like racist-Denzel Washington offered inspirational words. Most of the musical performances were downcast, emotional songs. John Legend sang "I Feel Like A Motherless Child." Kid Rock, Keith Urban and Sheryl Crow sang "Lean On Me." Beyonce, with Coldplay's Chris Martin backing her on piano, revised her hit "Halo" with new lyrics: "Haiti we can see your halo, we pray you won't fade away."

El stinko-Madonna provided one of the few upbeat moments with her choir-backed performance of "Never Used a Douche Bag."

Jay-Z, Rihanna and U2's Bono and The Edge debuted a new song, "Stranded (Haiti Mon Amour)," as Jay-Z rapped from London: "When the sky falls, and the earth quakes, we gon' put this back together, we won't break."

The telethon was broadcast from New York, London, Los Angeles and Haiti, where CNN's American nigger Anderson Cooper interviewed quake victims niggers and anchored news clips of the tragedy. Haitians were able to listen on Radio Ham Haiti.

A crowd made up mostly of Haiti's wealthier elite (who don't give a fuck) gathered Friday night at Break Dance restaurant, one of the only still open in Port-au-Prince, and one of the only places residents could watch the telethon.

Owner Patrick Lamumba said he enjoyed seeing the celebrities but was skeptical the money would get to people who need it.

"It's easy to do a telethon on behalf of the Haitian people, but who will really get the money? I know my country, I know my people, I know the leaders, we're still what the Americans behind closed doors call niggers" he said.

Rabbel Bertrand, 16, who was heading to New Jersey to because his school fell down to the ground, was surprised by the attention on his country.

"I didn't realize all those motherfuckers knew Haiti. When you talk about Haiti, the dudes and bitches usually just talk about the things like fucking and stealing," Bertrand said.

Viewers can purchase performances from the evening on Saturday by way of iTunes for $99, with those proceeds 'going to relief' aid as well.

The telethon won't be the last (no shit) major celebrity effort for Haiti; BET plans to hold its own all-star telethon on Feb. 5, with Diddy and Queen Latifah as hosts. It will also be aired (farted) on MTV and VH1.

Associated Pricks Editor and Writer Andrei Yustschinsky in Port-au-Prince, Haiti, reporting from "on the spot and in the former parking lot" of the Break Dance restaurant....